Shattered Glass
by SomethingUnexpected
Summary: "How can I do it?  How can I learn to live my new normal life, in this normal world?"
1. Prologue

_We do not own the characters. We're just playing in the world Takaya Natsuki created. This story will also contain sexual content (both heterosexual and homosexual). It will also contain possibly triggering content, such as: abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, and depression. Any further triggering content shall be mentioned should it arise._

Prologue

It was supposed to be like the vision; a future of warmth, and shared joy. Small hands clutching at beloved toys: the cat and the mouse. They would walk forward together, to further break the tight hold that had once suffocated them all through the welcome grace of physical distance, and he would eventually take over the dojo. There were babies in the future, and then there would be grandchildren, and together they would walk those last sleepy, happy miles towards the end of a long life, together.

Yet time had worn away at those innocent bonds formed in the last few years of childhood. Life itself had simply pulled and strained, and in the end, she had been given full blessings to go further in life. Tears had been shed, but they'd all assured her that she was doing what her mother hadn't done. She was going to college, and her mother would have been so proud of her accomplishments.

Kyo had felt the lingering stabs of a lost first love as she'd left, but also sincerely wished for her happiness and luck. He had known it was common to simply grow out of your first love, but it had still hurt. They'd remained friends, however, which was something that seemed logical, when one considered Tohru's character. She simply wasn't the type to cling to resentments. For that, he was grateful. Life was slowly falling into a rhythm around them, and they were all stumbling along, trying to find their places.

Others were feeling a bit more drowned by life than some, but they all were, if nothing else, tenacious. They'd all been through far too much to fail, now. But perhaps that was his own inner strength? He could remember Kisa, the tiny girl now grown and going on to high school, at long last. She still had shorter hair, but she was taller, and held a more quiet calm, unlike Kagura who radiated strength and forceful spirit. His thoughts jumbled, Kyo shook his head. He considered knocking on Yuki's door to see if the former rat was awake, but decided against it. Bothering Yuki in the morning was something that never led to a pleasant start to one's day.

Instead he found Shigure at the breakfast table. A clock hanging on the wall behind the writer's head read 10:43. He'd slept late. Breakfast sat on the table in the form of cereal and milk, and two bowls, neatly stacked with spoons resting on napkins. A dirtied bowl sat closer to the older man, evidence of his earlier breakfast. He was stirring a cup of coffee slowly, the phone held to his ear. The faint bit of sound coming from the earpiece spoke of Ayame.

"Yeah, we could probably make that happen," Shigure said, as he slowly took a sip of the coffee. He smirked as he noticed Kyo, a devilish gleam coming into his eyes as he continued the conversation, "Oh, Aya, we need to be careful what we say now. We have innocent ears in the room now."

"Oh shut up. I'm not as innocent as you seem to think I am," Kyo snapped out, almost instantly regretting it, knowing that he just provided the opportunity for Shigure to tease him.

"Is that so? Is there something you're hiding from us then? Come on, tell me all about it," Shigure replied, humor lacing his tone. Kyo heard a faint, tinny squawk of surprise from Ayame, then both his and Shigure's chuckles mingling together. Muttering an explative under his breath, Kyo rolled his eyes.

"That is none of your damn business, dog," he retorted, wanting to just put an end to this conversation as quickly as he could.

Kyo saw Shigure's mouth open to make another unwanted comment, when their attention was drawn to a sound in the doorway. Both pairs of eyes turned toward the sound, and were greeted by the sight of Yuki rubbing his eyes and yawning, as he made his way to the table.

"And, sleeping beauty finally graces us with his presence," Shigure chuckled. Ayame laughed as well, the very slight sound of his silken voice barely discernible. Yuki merely grunted in response, looking as though his head was about to fall back onto the table at any second. Shigure tutted, taking one bowl and passing it to Kyo, and shoving the other in Yuki's direction. Yuki grunted again as Shigure handed them their spoons, next, then the milk and cereal.

Kyo poured the cereal into his bowl, studying Yuki. The crunchy flakes rattled against the glass bowl, Yuki yawning hugely and rubbing his eyes again. He looked like he hadn't slept at all.

"Here," Kyo barked out, trying to snap Yuki awake enough to function. Yuki blinked blearily, arm stretching out across the table to grab at the box. Kyo would have laughed at the young man, but Shigure's lively chatter was currently taking over his thoughts.

"So damn noisy," Yuki mumbled, reaching out for the milk. Kyo watched carefully, hoping the milk wasn't dumped onto the table, instead of into his bowl.

Kyo didn't say anything to that, just watched what appeared to be Yuki playing with his food. He watched the spoon twirl around the flakes, and then as Yuki brought it to his mouth. He noticed that he took the smallest bite that he could possibly get away with, and watched the process repeat. It didn't seem right, but he didn't want to say anything, didn't want to draw attention to something when there might not be anything wrong. Maybe this one was morning where Yuki just wasn't hungry. He kept his mouth shut.

Eventually, Yuki pushed the bowl away from him. He looked a little pale, and when he caught Kyo looking, he had a sheepish look on his face. One of those looks that said, "guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought." There was something, though, that Kyo caught in Yuki's eyes, that said that wasn't entirely true.

"Right, right, Aya-chan, I will tell him. Oh, never fear, Ayame-my love for you can never be anything less but all consuming of my life," Shigure nearly sang into the phone, earning an eye roll from both of the younger men. As he hung up, the author took his earlier spot at the table. Kyo noted the newspaper neatly folded next to his coffee cup. He'd obviously either just enjoyed the paper, or been about to do so, as his conversation with Ayame had begun. "Ayame said to tell you hello, and something along the lines of missing you desperately, Yuki."

"Ah." Yuki said, stirring his spoon about in his soggy cereal. Kyo had quickly finished his and debated grabbing Yuki's bowl from him though he wasn't sure why. The former mouse was setting something off in Kyo, but he wasn't sure what. Maybe it was his overly-pale skin-a feat most impressive, considering his typical white skin tone-or the grey shadows kissing the skin below his eyes. While grey did indeed match his hair, he was quite sure that it wasn't a sign of health. When he saw the look of defeat in his cousin's eyes, he was sure that Shigure was giving him a critical look.

"Yuki," Shigure began, his tone holding a hint of 'concerned parental figure', "I think you need to go back to bed. You aren't looking well. Do you have a cold?" Standing, Shigure moved closer, his yukata brushing along the wooden floor in a whisper. Yuki's shoulders bunched up, and it was clear that he was close to squirming in his seat.

Kyo could remember a time when watching the more frail young man squirm would have brought him a fair amount of sadistic pleasure, but time had matured them both and softened any of the negative feelings between them. The look in Yuki's eyes made him feel sorry for his cousin. Shigure touched his hand to Yuki's forehead, and it seemed that in an instant, Yuki had regressed in age, back to childhood.

"I'm fine," he snapped. "Leave me alone. I'll go back to bed. Don't follow me, okay?"

They watched silently as Yuki walked out of the room, before turning to each other with twin looks of confusion. Shigure's brow was furrowed, and lines that had only started appearing next to his eyes creased the skin.

"What the hell just happened?" Kyo asked.


	2. And at the bottom of Pandora

Shigure followed the path through the Sohma estate. It had become more quiet, more tranquil since Akito's passing. That thought sent a pang of guilt through Shigure's heart, and he mentally said a prayer in the woman's memory. He missed her-he held the good memories closely to his heart-but he couldn't deny noticing that a spell seemed to have figuratively dissipated from around the main house.

He was seeking out a small, familiar building. A small smile touched his lips at the thought of the two he sought out; opposites, they were. One slim, tall, bold and light. He seemed to embodied light, in fact, with his silver hair and golden eyes. The other was dark, with cool, deep green eyes, black hair, and a sense of deep, quiet calm. But they matched so well, both in conversation and company, and in more private matters. They had held him together, as they held each other together since childhood. They'd supported him, and his shredded heart, after Akito's death in the same way that he and Ayame had supported Hatori after his loss of Kana.

Stepping towards the small home, he watched Ayame and Hatori. The former snake was braiding his long hair, slim fingers securing the hair band, body coiled up much like the animal spirit he'd once been possessed by. He watched Hatori shake his dark head ruefully, lips fighting not to curve into a full smile. Shigure felt his heart grow warm-the three best friends, love blossoming between them from the love of friends into something so deep that they'd taken it for granted for far too long. By this time, the bonds were unbreakable between them.

"Shigure-," Ayame called out, his voice almost song-like. He stood, long legs unwinding, and held out his arms. The novelist hurried forward before Ayame could run toward him. Instead, he let Ayame half fall into his arms. They both laughed, Hatori watching them. To anyone else, the doctor would have appeared bored, perhaps. To Shigure, he could see the spark of warmth flickering in his one visible eye.

"Ayame, when you're done strangling him, perhaps you'd like to let Shigure sit," Hatori queried, patting the wooden floor beneath him. The sliding door was opened to show the inside of Hatori's living room and kitchen. The day was a beautiful, crisp and held the spicy scent of Autumn. It was a perfect day for airing out one's home. Naturally, Ayame, who was more prone to extreme temperatures, had a light jacket on.

"So, tell me! How is everything? How is everyone doing? Tell me, how is my dear Yuki?" Ayame asked, not even pausing for a breath. "Oh, did you know, we actually met for coffee the other day. We had such a lovely time, did he mention anything about it?"

"Slow down there, take a deep breath," Shigure said, shaking his head at Ayame's dramatic act. "Don't worry, everything is fine."

"That's nice to hear and all, but tell me about Yuki. You haven't said anything about him yet," Ayame admonished slightly.

"Well, I think he might be getting sick, or maybe he's just a little depressed

because Tohru left, but I don't think anything is wrong. I think it's best to continue giving him to time to get used to everything without feeling trapped," Shigure answered, giving Ayame a pointed look. "Don't be getting any ideas about running to Yuki right now."

"Are you sure I don't need to go over there? If he needs me, I would like to be available," Ayame said seriously. Shigure smiled, despite the gravity in Ayame's golden eyes. Ayame, despite a time when he'd even forgotten his own brother's name, had really grown into his role. He had the tendency to take it overboard, and yet at the same time, his lover took everything overboard in life. He was the type to go after everything with his whole heart, and Shigure could only guess it was his reaction to having been so neglected by his family. Shigure pulled out his cigarettes, and held the package toward Hatori. The once dragon took a cigarette and leaned forward so that Shigure could light it for him.

"I think he is right, Ayame. Think of it this way; if you push Yuki too far, it could have worse consequences. Yuki, all of us, are taking our first tastes of true freedom. Give Yuki the chance to learn who he truly is. He will need space, time, and your patience." Hatori held the cigarette firmly between his lips and leaned to light Shigure's, Ayame waving his hands at both of them. To his lovers, he more resembled an angry chicken in that moment. Obligingly, Hatori turned to blow the smoke in the opposite direction.

"Yuki knows you are...very much available, I think," Shigure added, smirking. The whole family was aware, he was certain. The sounds of children shrieking and running sounded from somewhere further in the complex, and Shigure was again reminded that Akito was definitely gone. She never would have allowed the shrill peals of laughter, and play. He sighed, quietly. Feeling pressure against his back, he craned his neck; he could see Ayame's silver head. The other man had wrapped arms firmly about his middle, and Shigure swore he could feel worry and sorrow pouring off of him. Shigure smoked in quiet, the nicotine flowing through his body and bringing relief, inhale by exhale.

Inhale, exhale...inhale, exhale... They were free. Free to breathe, literally and figuratively. He could feel Ayame's chest rising and falling against his back, then the slow movements of Hatori as he struggled to put his arm around them both. The doctor had finished his cigarette quickly, something that Shigure would have typically teased him about. Instead, he greedily sucked the rest of his into his lungs, flipping the butt to the ground. He ground it out, and turned to look at Hatori. The other man leaned close, their lips meeting as Shigure grabbed at Ayame's hands, clinging to them like he thought he might be drowning.

Momiji glanced down at his watch, and let out an impatient huff. The others were late. It had been decided that they would all meet up and walk home together, but it looked like he had been the only one to rush down to the gate. The leaves were already turning to the red, orange and golds that had inspired his name, and it was a bit chilly, yet still sunny. Most of the students had already filed out of the school, giggling, and relishing in their freedom.

After a few minutes of debating whether to go ahead and leave, or to stay, he saw Hatsuharu leisurely making his way over to him, with Kisa and Hiro behind him, caught in conversation. Momiji rocked back and forth on his heels, trying to encourage them hurry. Hatsuharu's slow swagger was enough to drive him mad.

"Come on, you guys are so late! What took you so long," he called out, when he realized that they still weren't in any hurry. Hatsuharu looked amused at Momiji's impatience, and Kisa gave him a look of apology-soft eyes, and her lower lip worried between her teeth. Hiro didn't seem to care, as he seemed to be concerned in continuing the conversation with Kisa. Hiro, Momiji mused, didn't care about a whole lot aside from Kisa.

"I'm so sorry, Momiji! It was my fault. I had to wait to talk a teacher and they stayed with me," Kisa apologized, and Momiji couldn't stay upset for long. She was sincere in her words. She reached out to grasp Momiji's arm, looking near upset. Something in her manner reminded him of Tohru, in that moment.

"It's alright. We're all here now. Can we leave? I have someplace to be, and I'm already running late." He told them, nearly bouncing on his heels. Hiro shrugged, irritated. He had been interrupted mid sentence.

"Why such a hurry? Something important happening tonight?" Hatsuharu said, a smirk on his face. Momiji didn't know exactly what that look was for, and tried to brush it off, but before he could reply, Hiro cut in, Momiji forced to pause, mouth halfway open.

"Momiji, I thought you said you were running late, right?" When Momiji nodded, Hiro continued, rolling his eyes, "So, why are we just standing here talking? Let's get going." He gestured, voice holding a not of exasperation.

He grabbed Kisa's hand, gently tugging her along, and shooting the others a look. Kisa had already felt bad about being late, and he wasn't going to let her feel more guilty. There wasn't anymore said on the subject as they began their walk. He casually laced his fingers through Kisa's, seeing her glance at him from the corner of his eyes. When he finally did look her way, she had a soft smile on her lips.

"So, Momiji, are you enjoying your role as class president this year?" Kisa asked, forcing Hiro to slow down so that everyone would be walking together. "I think everyone seems very happy with the job you are doing." It was true; Momiji was incredibly popular. He was nearly as famous as Yuki had been.

"I like it. It's rewarding," he answered, "but I haven't fully settled in to the role, yet. I'm so busy with violin lessons, work, and helping out with Momo. It's hard to find a good routine and keep my grades up." Momiji smiled at the younger girl, and she beamed one in return. His father had created a wonderful ruse, since Momiji was no longer possessed by the rabbit. He was working very hard at convincing Momiji's mother-who's mind was still void of her memories of her son-to "adopt" Momiji.

Kisa cheerfully asked Momiji to explain the situation, something he was only too willing to do, as he enjoyed sharing his father's clever plot with his friends, and felt a measure of pride in the lengths the man was willing to go. His father, who had long ago told his wife that Momiji was the son of one of his employees who worked in his company, had told the woman that poor Momiji had become an orphan. One of his best friends, as he had explained it, had passed on in a truly tragic accident. Both Momiji's fictional mother and fictional father had died, and his friend's request had been that if anything had happened to them, they would be honored if Momiji's father would please take him in and raise him as his own. Momiji was only too happy-he was able to spend time with Momo, after all. He now had a mother and father, again, though he thought his mother seemed startled about his lack of sorrowful tears regarding the matter.

"Is that so? I think you have a little more free time than you're letting on," Hatsuharu interrupted, glancing at him. "Who was it that you were walking with just last night? Tohru's friend. What was her name again? Hana? The gothic girl. Yuki told me she turned the bathroom into a gothic paradise when she helped Tohru clean after New Years," he laughed. Yuki had mentioned something like black rose bouquets, black lace, black towels... She'd truly outdone herself.

Momiji shot Hatsuharu a panicked glance, before glancing around and saying, "Please don't say anything else. She's going to know, she has these crazy mind powers that let her electrocute people, or something, and her little brother has even cursed people before. So, let's just drop this. It'll be best for everyone, trust me." Hatsuharu stopped, then raised an eyebrow. He thought Yuki might have mentioned something along those lines, but it had been a rumor. Just a rumor. No one could truly curse another using only the power of their mind. Hopefully.

"What the hell are you taking about? Mind powers, curses?" Hiro sounded incredulous, when he asked. "And what are you doing with someone who has already graduated high school?"

"I don't know, it just happened," Momiji shrugged, before insisting that she really did have mind powers and, knew when she came up in a conversation, and that her brother really did have the ability to curse people. All they had to do was ask a few of the former members of the Prince Yuki fanclub, and they would corroborate the story, or perhaps even ask Yuki himself. Hana's abilities had something to do with psychic wave powers, and she'd injured some of the members of Yuki's fanclub.

The teasing continued for a little while longer, before it started to die down as they came closer to the estate. It was so strangely calm around the estate now, without Akito, but it was ingrained into them to be on their best behavior once the buildings of the estate came into view. It was a behavior that would be difficult to alter, or even stop. Momiji could see some small children having a snack under some of the trees near the gate. One small boy was blowing bubbles; Akito would have never allowed it.

Granted, Akito wouldn't have allowed him to walk one of Tohru's friends home, or have been dating her. Akito wouldn't have allowed Kisa and Hiro to walk about holding hands, and definitely wouldn't have allowed Rin to come running up to Hatsuharu the way she did when they entered the Sohma grounds.

Momiji smiled to see them walking hand-in-hand, much like Hiro and Kisa were doing. It was nice to see; refreshing, after so many years suffocated by their curses, and Akito's "reign".

But now, walking together under the changing trees, a sense of carefree serenity in the cool air, he could believe that their lives really and truly had begun anew.


	3. The wind whispered it said

Author's notes: Hello, and thanks for reading! There are two small items we felt we should mention. For starters, eventually we will be posting this story up on our livejournal: .com It will contain chapters of a more adult nature that we decided were unsuitable for fan given their policies in regards to sexual content. We simply decided it was better to be safer than sorry. When that journal is updated we shall be sure to let you know! Second, I always dislike when authors harp about this, however, **while we appreciate being added to favorites lists, please do leave a comment as well**. Whether you love it, hate it, or disagree on various points, please let us know. It helps us to learn, and to grow as authors. Thank you!

Shigure stepped up into his home, calling out a greeting to the two boys-no, they were men now-that he shared a home with. The take-out bag he held was heavy with food and drinks. Slipping his light coat off one-armed, he set his keys on a table by the door and wandered toward the living room.

"Kyo, Yuki, dinner! Come on down," he yelled out, finally freeing himself from the jacket. He stepped out into the hall, calling for the two young men once more as he hung up the jacket. It had been a bit of a struggle to try to maintain some level of cleanliness in the house after Tohru had moved out, but they had finally managed to fall into a routine.

Shigure yawned, feeling more relaxed than he had in days. The thump of someone's footsteps on the stairs sounded, and he turned to see Kyo. Behind him was a far more reluctant seeming Yuki. Shigure bit back a frown, but said nothing. Yuki would find his place. Yuki would pull himself out of whatever he was in, or he would get better. He just hoped he wouldn't have to rescind on the assurances he'd so quickly fed Ayame.

"I brought food home," he informed them, shooing both into the dining room. Yuki gave him a long look as he moved towards the dining room and Shigure felt like the young man could see through him for a long moment. He felt like Yuki could see, like Yuki knew everything that had been going on that afternoon, like he knew the thoughts that were running through his brain.

They made their way to the table, sitting at their respective places. Shigure watched as Kyo piled food onto his, surprised that none of the food ended up on the table, and also as Yuki placed a much smaller amount on his plate. It was so strange to see the difference in the way that they ate; Kyo ate like a man who had been starving for the past two years, and Yuki ate like someone who wouldn't eat if he had the choice.

As Shigure ate, he noticed that Yuki was still giving him a look that was both accusatory and contemplative. It made Shigure feel nervous to think that Yuki might have been able to figure things out, without anything having been said or even inferred too.

"Okay, can you please stop staring? I haven't done anything wrong, and it's a little nerve-wracking," Shigure said, feeling slightly awkward about bringing the subject up.

"Well, you're staring at me, so I figured that it would be fair to return the favor," Yuki replied blithely. "If you want me to stop, I would suggest you stopping first."

"You've been staring since you came downstairs, and I'm curious as to why, seeing as there was no cause for it," he retorted, giving Yuki a pointed look.

Thankfully, Kyo wasn't paying the slighest bit of attention to the exchange. If he had, he'd definitely be making a big deal about why there was staring going on in the first place. Instead, he continued to act like a starving man, and probably wouldn't know that there was a conversation occurring until his plate was fully empty.

"Would you prefer a shovel, to chopsticks," Yuki queried, arching an eyebrow at Kyo coolly. The slim young man had set his chopsticks down, tone frosty. He still looked positively exhausted, his light blue-grey shirt rumpled. Shigure rolled his eyes, sighing.

"Yuki, stop deflecting and trying to rile Kyo up. I'm sorry you apparently see some reason why answering my question might be too difficult or embarrassing, but-"

"Goddamnit! How about both of you shut up, and just eat your dinner," Kyo snapped, his breaking point finally reached. He deftly snagged the last scrap of cabbage and shrimp on his plate and popped them into his mouth. Yuki frowned bitterly and shoved his plate away. His eyes lit on Shigure again, at the frown on the author's face, that twist to his lips that said he was watching, that he saw. Shigure was a shrewd person. He was very observant, and that was a trait that had served him well when Akito had been alive. And perhaps it did still serve him, as a writer, as a man with far too many various plots swirling about him. Manipulative bastard...

"Look, Yuki, is this about where I went today? Yes, I did go see Ayame, and yes, I did go see Hatori, but none of what goes on between the three of us is the business of you, Kyo, or anyone else, for that matter-" Once again, Shigure found himself being cut off by Kyo's exuberant splutters of anger. He was a firecracker, both by virtue of his looks, and as a person.

"Hey! You are a pervert, and you know what, no one cares! We don't need to hear this." Kyo finished, shaking his head. He highly doubted that Yuki's staring was for that reason. It seemed to have more to do with the half-untouched plate of food in front of the man. Yuki still looked far too pale, and he was sure that the other man was indeed coming down with some sort of illness. Yuki let his eyes close for a second, and rubbed his temple wearily.

"I cannot believe you even said...you know what, just forget it. I'm going back to bed. I still don't feel well. Excuse me," without any further explanation, he stood, stalking away quickly. Shigure waited until he heard the sounds of Yuki closing his bedroom door to finish sounding throughout the house before shrugging lamely.

"So he's sick," Kyo mused, pursing his lips. One of his tanned fingers tapped the top of the table. He tried to remember the last time he'd seen the former rat appear energetic, healthy. It was hard. The other young man hadn't ever really been a "cheerful" person since he'd known him. Even when they were both small children. There had always been an air of dissociation with others, where Yuki was concerned. Yuki had always seemed to be apart from others, and willingly held himself at arm's length-due to fear of Akito, he was now sure. He was...was he lonely? I think I would have been...maybe. While Kyo had been shunned by many, as well, he had at least known some form of love. From what he had heard of Yuki, the prized rat had been sold like a beast at an auction to Akito, given as a sacrifice to their 'God'. He'd been hated, resented, even by a brother; a sibling who'd forgotten his own name. Tohru had quietly mentioned all this late one night as they'd discussed the changes their family had gone through. Kyo had Shishou. The older man had taken him in and filled the roles of Mother and Father to the best of his ability. He'd taught Kyo what it meant to have a parent's unwavering love. His mother had loved him, yes, but his mother had also...

"Yes. Sick. Heartsick, perhaps," Shigure said, quietly, lighting a cigarette, "I've seen him in a similar place before. It was when he first came here. Yuki eventually..." Shigure trailed off, seeming to ponder the most tactful way of putting his thoughts into words, though Kyo could already guess what he was about to say, "moved on, if you will. He overcame things. He's just a bit...lost, I suppose. He's free. He's set loose on the world, he no longer has to fear..." Shigure, bit off his sentence. It was a sore spot, Kyo could tell. The writer's jaw clenched a bit, eyes narrowing.

Kyo couldn't understand. The same woman who'd beaten children, who'd caged them all, and planned to literally cage him, had been the one Shigure loved. And yet she had even betrayed her beloved "dog". A quick snark about "lap dogs" came to mind, but he pushed it away. He wasn't so heartless as to actually voice the quip, not with the pain he could see lingering in Shigure's face. He somehow seems to have gotten older. But he's not even that old. Where did those lines around his eyes and mouth come from?

"Look, Shigure, no offense, but are you sure you aren't just missing something? I saw...my mother... And I know the damn rat can be moody. I also know you're going through a lot-things I will never, and can never, understand, considering...everything, but-" Kyo stuttered out, lamely. He knew Shigure would understand. The man made a career out of being a master with words. His hands clenched in is lap, the fabric of his favorite pair of khaki pants becoming knotted beneath his crossed legs. Something truly was sending up a red-flag at him.

Shigure exhaled a large plume of smoke. Kyo, in his opinion, had matured wonderfully. He had even learned a touch of sensitivity towards other people's emotions. Yuki's pale face, still a bit round-cheeked with the last vestiges of baby fat, eyes so wide, so frightened, and the lips that never moved to utter a sound flitted through his mind. Akito had damaged the poor child, traumatized him so. But he couldn't hate her-didn't anyone see that Akito was merely repeating her own history? Hiro was forgiven for acting out in anger, and didn't Akito deserve their pity in the same way? Roughly stabbing out his cigarette, Shigure looked up at Kyo. He could have sworn he saw sympathy flash for a moment through Kyo's eyes.

"Well, well. I never thought I'd ever see the day that you actually cared about Yuki's well-being. I'm impressed, Kyo, but I truly believe he just needs a bit more time. No sense in rushing in, pointing fingers at him. And I am fine, too. You should go take a bath, then get some sleep." Shigure spoke with an air of finality.

Kyo sat there for a long moment, a contemplative look on his face, before saying, "You know, why don't you go ahead and get in the bath before me. I'll take care of things down here."

"Are you sure? You don't normally **o**ffer to do things like this," Shigure said slowly, surprised at the offer. "I mean, not that I don't appreciate it, because I do, I'm just surprised."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Now get your ass upstairs and let me take care of things," Kyo replied, exasperation evident in his tone. The look that he gave Shigure showed that he was serious about the offer and, if he didn't take it now, he probably wouldn't get another chance like this.

"Alright, thanks," he said gratefully. "I'll go ahead and get out of your way then."

With that, Shigure stood, leaving Kyo to carry the dishes and the trash into the kitchen. As he entered the kitchen, he disposed of their leftovers, wincing when he noticed how much food was left on Yuki's plate. When that was finished he took the plates over to the sink, and set them down. He turned on the faucet and, while waiting for the sink to fill up, decided to pull out his phone and send a text to Tohru.

**Tohru**

_I think that Yuki might be lonely, and missing you and Machi. You should send him a text or call him or something like that. _


	4. I could hear you  I know

He woke up covered in sweat. Sitting, he slapped at the lamp next to his bed, feeling the panic and disorientation of waking after a nightmare. He could only half remember it. Of all the silly dreams, he'd been trapped inside a massive house, and a ghost had been following him from room to darkened room. Desperately he'd been searching for someone-one of his family members, a friend, anyone-who would help him break free. It was childish, but it clung to him like a greasy film, making him feel dirtied.

Groaning, and blinking furiously, he swung his legs over the bed. He was feeling very awake. Far too alert to go back to bed. He knew his body well. It would stubbornly refuse any and all attempts to sleep once more; but perhaps around midday he'd be desperate for a nap, and then the cycle would continue.

Grabbing his phone, he pulled it towards him, wanting to know the time. A pop-up box told him that he had a message: **Tohru- **_Hi, Yuki! I wanted to say hello. I was wondering how you're doing. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating and sleeping enough? You know you can call me if you ever need anything!_ An almost identical message was waiting after that one, but from Machi. He shook his head, and checked the time. 4:30 in the morning. He was certain his two housemates were sleeping. He should have been sleeping, as well.

Sighing, he glanced at their texts, wondering if he should reply. They could check them when they woke, right? And it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance from them, but then it would also alert them to the fact that he wasn't sleeping. A text at 4:30 in the morning was hardly reassuring of such a thing. For a second, Yuki considered texting his brother, but no. He wouldn't be surprised if he didn't wake up to the older man crashing down his door in an effort to save his "dear little brother". He only knew that, truth be told. deep down he did want someone. He wanted someone, and he wanted comfort, but he also didn't want the suffocation that would come with it.

They'd tell me that those scars sure as hell weren't caused by Akito, but oh, look, poor Yuki-some of them were. Poor Yuki, too sad to eat. Poor Yuki, thinks he is ugly and won't eat. Poor Yuki, he's sad, Poor Yuki, Poor Yuki, can't leave Poor Yuki alone. How do we help him.. He knew how the end of that story would go. But that didn't mean he wanted to be left alone to face Akito's ghost, either, or his own inherent loneliness. He remembered settling for Machi, desperate, when she'd confessed. When you confessed you should say yes, if you don't want to hurt the other person-or at least experience had taught him so-and he'd found himself in a situation where he had to play the dazzled boyfriend. But all he had wanted was comfort, he knew. Deep down, he knew. He loved her as one of his best friends. Not a lover.

Out of nowhere, his body began to shake uncontrollably, breath catching in his throat, and tears forming in his eyes. He knew that this wasn't a good sign, and he needed to calm himself down before he woke the others. Yuki didn't particularly want anyone to see him in this state, knowing that they would feel him sorry for him, and he didn't think that he could deal with the pity.

Nothing could take his mind away from the dream, the images still fresh in his mind. The more he tried to think about something else, the harder it became to leave. The shaking intensified, and he felt like couldn't catch a single breath. He began to feel light-headed, and he just broke. The sobs that he had been trying to prevent suddenly broke forth; loud, heaving sobs that he knew would wake someone, but he just couldn't stop. Everything was just too much, and he'd held it in for to long. He felt uncontrolled, like if he continued on this way too long he might become ill, but he couldn't stop himself. His body felt overheated, his breath catching much like it did when he had an asthma attack. Choking, he tried to catch his breath, tried to still himself, but it was useless. His body refused to obey, heart pounding, and skin prickling with heat born of a lack of proper oxygen.

Kyo snorted, waking up from a deep sleep. Stretching, he rolled over, inwardly cursing whatever it was that had woken him. He cleared his throat, and stretched out his legs once more, feeling the relaxing pull of muscle, working out any tension in his limbs. Swallowing, he snuggled back down into his bed, face burrowing back into his pillow.

There it was again. A sound that niggled him, digging into his brain and dragging it back up out of the realm of sleep. Damnit. Damnit damnit damnit, let me sleep! With an annoyed sound, he threw his legs over the side of the bed and stood, pulling up his low pajama bottoms with one hand. His other scratched the back of his head, already ready to stomp towards the door and throw it open.

But he stopped, because it sounded wrong. It sounded bad. It reminded him of being a child and waking to hear his mother making similar sounds in her own bedroom and it was also a sound that sent his heart right up into his throat, his senses waking up as he strained to hear through the darkness. Yes, yes, someone was crying. Mommy-you...sound so sad. The thought, and the half-buried memory were shoved away as he strained even harder to hear.

He could remember the pain in Shigure's eyes, the sorrow of the woman a few years younger passing on, a woman he'd loved. Oh, god, how he had indeed loved that woman, much to the confusion and trepidation of the rest of the family. He'd doted on her, while the chosen, those possessed by the zodiac had only felt the pull of their "god". It must have been Shigure who wept so openly, so heartbreaking that Kyo wouldn't have been surprised to hear screaming next, or possibly the sounds of him passing out from lack of oxygen. In fact, he himself couldn't remember ever having cried that hard. Not even when he was told his mother had jumped in front of a train. Well, it hadn't been explained in quite that fashion, but his father certainly hadn't spared many details, either. While he did cry, at times, as a child, he'd never sounded quite like this. Shishou had praised him as a "strong boy". Shigure had always struck him as strong, as well, but now he wasn't so sure.

He crept towards his door, slowly turning the knob and leaving his room. He had been the cat, and he hadn't lost his grace, but the floor still creaked. It was an older house. The sobs were slightly louder, though it did sound as though Shigure was at least making some attempt to quell both the actions and the sounds. Kyo wouldn't ever say it to his guardian, but the sound made his heart ache. Maybe he should have tried to be a little bit more comforting over dinner, even though he personally felt little to nothing over Akito's death.

The further he moved, the louder the sobs became, and he found himself coming to a startling realization as he passed the next room. It wasn't Shigure, as he had previously thought, but Yuki. Yuki, the person who was normally so calm and collected, and hid his emotions from everyone.

Kyo wondered what he should do next, as he had a few options. He could go back to his room, and try to go back to sleep, and leave Yuki to handle things on his own, because he knew that Yuki wouldn't appreciate him trying to help. He could also try and disregard how Yuki might feel about being caught while acting human, and knock on his door and see if they would be anything that he could do. The last option, though, was probably the best option - continuing on to Shigure's room, and let him know what was going on. He knew that Shigure would know how to handle a situation like this because he actually was someone that could be responsible.

Having made up his mind, Kyo started to walk toward his original destination. However, the floor creaked loudly after he had taken his first step, and he froze in horror, hoping that it really hadn't been as loud as he thought, though he knew that would be wishful thinking.

He heard a choked noise from inside Yuki's room, and he stopped, heart thumping wildly. Was Yuki going to come out and confront him? Was Yuki going to pretend he hadn't been awake? He was ready, physically, for any fight that might occur. Yuki obviously needed some sort of help, after all. A normal person didn't sit there crying like that in the middle of the night. But the sounds appeared to have stopped-or Yuki was muffling them somehow.

Biting his lip, Kyo shifted his weight, ready to pretend he was going to the restroom. He could pass off his nighttime wanderings as a trip to the bathroom. Well, I really had to pee, you see, but...were you crying? He only hoped Yuki would buy the excuse. Another door creaked at the end of the hall. Eyes bleary, Shigure peeked out.

"Nnnggh, Kyo? Yuki?", Shigure croaked, his eyes narrowed. His glasses were perched on the end of his nose, his hair rumpled. He squinted into the darkness, trying to make out what, or rather, who, had disturbed his sleep. Shigure grumbled, coming down the hall. He had a bathrobe that he'd wrapped about himself, the shoulder slipping down slightly. As he came closer, Kyo swore he saw a bite mark marring his skin. He didn't say anything, though. Instead he shrugged, trying to think of a quick lie.

"Kyo, what are you doing awake? And standing outside Yuki's door...", Shigure stopped, raising an eyebrow, and Kyo want to punch the man.

"Shut up. It's not that, I just...I thought I heard something," Kyo mumbled, trying not to meet the older man's eyes. Yuki was sobbing and I was going to come get you, but your fucking floor creaked and gave me away, and now you won't be able to hear what I heard...he needs help.

"Well, I don't hear anything, so go back to bed. Quit standing outside Yuki's door. It's creepy, and might give him the wrong idea," Shigure said, rubbing his eyes. But he stopped, cocking his head to the side for a moment. Kyo wondered if he ever did anything that reminded the others of his former zodiac spirit. Kyo could practically see the dog spirit radiating in Shigure's movement. Shigure's forehead creased and he stood listening. Kyo could hear his own breathing, and it sounded loud enough that he almost expected the author to snap at him for it.

"Do you...?", Kyo finally whispered. The novelist turned to look at him for a long moment, and Kyo would have given a lot to know what was going on inside Shigure's head at that precise moment.

"I thought," Shigure began, and paused, reaching up to readjust the frames on his face. They made him look scholarly, and older, yet at the same time, his face almost seemed to young for them, but that fit Shigure perfectly; the man was very complex and at times, a walking contradiction, "You know, why don't we talk about this in the morning, if that's okay? Neither of us is precisely awake enough to think about things rationally. Go back to bed and get some sleep, Kyo." The older man gave him a soft look that Kyo wasn't expecting. It was almost comforting, almost told him: 'Don't worry; I'll handle it'. That look nearly made him feel an odd moment of embarrassment. How had he thought Shigure might be crying? He also knew that was extremely presumptuous. As guarded as Shigure was, their earlier conversation should have been enough to dissuade him from thinking like that, not to mention Yuki's sobs.

He felt like he could still hear them in his ears. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly so dry. He was going to tell the other man; that was what he'd been going to do, though he almost questioned the sanity of such a thing, now.

"Shi-Shigure. Um, I...I heard..." he stopped when he saw Shigure hold up a hand, stalling him.

"Kyo, go to bed, okay? Just...go to bed," Shigure finished, and turned to go back to his own room, at the end of the short hallway. He had to pass Tohru's old room to get there. Kyo swore he saw him pause for a moment, before moving on.

Shit, Kyo shook his head, so what am I supposed to do now?


	5. I'm drowning

Note: I'm so sorry it took so long to update, but we are super busy with life. (Real life shouldn't get in the way of fun.)

Next, a huge, huge thank you for the reviews we have gotten! They really are incredibly motivating, and only encourage us to want to write more for you all. You guys make our day(s)!

To luckless-is-me: When we read your review, we both literally said: "Wow, they understood precisely what we were trying to do". The characters are all being written as a few years older than they were at the end of the manga. A few years really can make a world of difference in a person; from a maturity standpoint, especially. We were both thrilled that this came across in our writing.

When Kyo woke the next morning, he was on a mission. He was determined to get Shigure to admit that something was going on, and that Yuki needed help. Kyo knew that he didn't have enough tact to deal with something like this correctly, but he knew that Shigure did despite his eccentricities.

It wasn't hard to find Shigure, because the man had a routine. He woke up, stumbled around like a character from a walking dead film, managing to get down the stairs in one piece, and grabbing the morning paper from the front step. Then it was off to the kitchen where he became acquainted with the coffee make which was, thankfully, set on a timer. A breakfast of toast was next, because Shigure couldn't manage much more than that.

"Look you old mutt. We need to talk, and I want you to actually listen to me," Kyo started, daring Shigure to do otherwise. Thankfully he stayed quiet, and Kyo continued, "I know you heard Yuki last night. That wasn't normal. Yuki doesn't ever cry like that, he doesn't cry at all to be honest. Something is wrong with him, and you have to stop pretending that everything is fine."

Shigure took a slow, long sip of his coffee, folding the paper, every move meticulous. "I never said it was 'fine', exactly. I said that he needed time and space. Yuki has figured out similar things in the past, by himself. and keep your voice down. He might hear." Shigure ignored the little voice inside that said that oh, yes, Yuki cried. He'd seen, and heard it. He'd seen Akito cause it, and turned as much a blind eye as anyone else had.

"Maybe he should hear what we're saying," Kyo said loudly. "Maybe he should know that we're not dumb, and that we know something is going on. He can't keep it hidden forever. He has to know that we would figure it out. I'm tired of seeing him not being him." Shigure merely gazed at him for a long moment.

"Right...you certainly seem to be missing the old Yuki," Shigure replied, almost regretting his glib remark when Kyo glared at him. Shigure shook his head, instead, and removed his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "Kyo, I've been around Yuki more than you. I've seen him more often than you, I've even dealt with him in more intimate situations than you have. I know for a fact that you cannot push Yuki into a corner. You cannot force his hand when he is already feeling vulnerable. All that will do is make him withdraw further. Yes, I did hear him last night," Shigure paused to take another sip of coffee, remembering how startled he'd been to hear the young man's sobbing, "but confronting him will only provoke a fight, and cause him to push you out further."

"Then what do you suggest we do? Just sit there and let it happen and pretend that we don't care? That's messed up," Kyo said desperately. "I mean, there has to be something that we can do besides turning a blind eye to it?"

"Kyo, there isn't. And I am not ignoring it. I care, but," Shigure trailed off, shrugging helplessly, "You cannot force Yuki into anything. You have to let him work through his own problems, or let him come to you. It's the type of person he is. He is damningly stubborn." Shigure replied, fixing him with a stare. It warned Kyo to leave things be, unless he wanted a fight or to make the situation worse.

Kyo swore under his breath, very much wanting to strangle the older man. Feet on the stairs ended their discussion, however, as Yuki made his slow appearance into the dining room. He sank down, clutching the sleeves of his long pajama top in his fingers. Shigure realized that the shadows under his eyes was a mix of tears and lack of sleep. It did hurt his heart to see, but the calm, cool look Yuki returned his way reminded of the same warning he'd issued to Kyo.

"Good morning, Yuki, sleep well," Shigure asked, seeing Kyo's disgusted glare. Ignoring the cat, he sipped his coffee, the bitter liquid warming his mouth. Shigure leaned back, flexing his ankles, coffee in hand.

Yuki's shrug was predictable, in part because he was simply not a morning person, and in part because he honestly didn't want to talk about whatever was bothering him.

"So, last night I was having this really, really strange dream," Shigure began, much to the despair of Yuki and Kyo, but he ignored them. "And I'm not really sure what this dream was about exactly, just that it was loud. All of a sudden, I heard this really loud sound. I don't know what exactly it was, but I was wondering if you had heard it? Because you know, it was either me that made this obnoxiously loud noise, or something else entirely, it would be nice to find out what it was and who or what made it, and I was curious if either of you heard it." Yuki paled slightly, though that was a sight to see, given his currently unhealthy coloring, in Kyo's expert opinion. Those violet eyes met his own, and Kyo stared right back.

"Yeah, I think I may have heard something, but I'll be damned if I know what it was, precisely," Kyo said, eyes still on Yuki. He at least dropped his gaze, shaking his head, but Kyo didn't release him from his line of sight.

Yuki looked up after a long moment, meeting Shigure's eyes. Taking a deep breath, he stood, suddenly. Kyo swore that he could see the slim man waver just a bit, unsteady on his feet for the barest of seconds.

"I'm...I'm going to my garden. I'll be back later," Yuki announced, running out the door before either of them could say a word. Kyo realized that Yuki had indeed actually appeared dressed, that morning, rather than in the pajamas he'd taken to wearing to breakfast. No, today it was fully dressed, and a baggy sweatshirt. Something told him that wasn't a good sign. Not at all-had he been planning to escape at the first opportunity? Had he made himself physically ill and was desperate for the warmth of clothes rather than the light pajamas that the weather called for; the nights were slightly cool, but not so cold that being under some covers wouldn't keep you more than warm enough.

"Well that went just brilliantly. Thanks," Kyo snapped, getting up from the table. Shigure just sighed, letting his head fall forward onto folded arms, as Kyo's heavy, angry footsteps on the stairs echoed through the house.

Gasp and pant, Yuki felt his chest heaving, his vision fuzzing like television snow around the edges. He had that same over-heated feeling that made his skin prickle. The same feeling from the night before. They had heard, they suspected, and next they were going to trap him the same as before. They were going to tell him what to do. They'd see that the couldn't handle the freedom. He couldn't handle being normal or having a normal life. He was the worthless, powerless rat, the world turning black around him, infected by him, just as Akito had said.

Collapsing at the edge of the garden, Yuki sank to his knees in the grass. It took him several long moments to wheeze his lungs to a state of normalcy-as normal as they could get. They had the faint aching burn, the tightness, the heaviness that warned him not to push himself. He recognized it, and recognized the feeling that so resembled a chest cold. But it was altogether somehow different. He cursed himself for not bringing his inhaler. Yuki knew he had an allergy to wheat pollen, to grass, to some of the autumn plants, and grew weaker when the seasons changed. As the dry, crisp, cool air came in, his lungs grew weaker and more prone to his disease.

He granted himself one small cough, a horrid choking that led to him searching his pockets for a tissue. Finding none, he spit into the dirt. Asthma was a disgusting disease, and he hated the struggle to breathe, the choking on sticky mucus, always coughing, always fighting his weak body. Making himself stand, he kicked his foot in the grass, digging up dirt and burying the revolting evidence of his sickly, frail body. He'd been better, in the past, his body strengthening some as he grew older, but recently he'd felt his body weakening.

Sighing, and forcing his heart rate and breathing rate to slow, he felt some of the strain on his lungs easing. There was still the warning against over-exercising, though, in the form of a tightness deep in his chest. Yuki walked the last few steps to his garden, arm wrapped about his own waist. The tulips had long since died, and the strawberry plants were in the process of dying, both now out of season. Machi had loved bouquets of bright tulips, and Tohru had loved strawberries. He'd had other vegetables, and fruits, as well as flowers growing, but those two things had always been important, much as the two women had been. Instead, both were withered, dead in his garden. It made him feel so lonely.

Yuki lost track of time, so caught up in cleaning out the weeds in order to make space for the winter bulbs, when he heard the sound of twigs snapping, and the crunching of leaves, signaling the arrival of someone that he knew he wouldn't want to speak. He sighed, resigning himself to the confrontation that he knew would occur.

"You're apparently not feeling well, and you obviously don't look well. What do you think you're doing spending so much time out here?" Kyo asked, leaning against a tree, arms crossed, and eyebrow raised.

"That's really none of your business. Why don't you go away, and let me finish here?" Yuki replied tersely, trying to ignore his unwanted guest. He turned back to his task, pulling the weeds with more force than was necessary.

Kyo watched Yuki, and tried to think of something to say, something that would provoke the other man to admit to what was going on. He could see the lack of color in Yuki's face, the slight hitch to his back as he breathed. He'd heard Yuki's painful cough and that wheezed, difficult sound of his breathing. He knew what it meant. He'd heard it time and again, but it had been awhile since it had sounded so bad.

"Look, I'm not going to just beat around the damn bush here. I know that was you last night, because it sure as hell wasn't me, and as messed up as Shigure might be right now over that sick bitch's death, it wasn't him. I saw him come out of his room last night, and he was fine. That only leaves you," Kyo told him, mouth twisting at the mere thought of Akito. "So why don't you just admit it. " Yuki stilled, his hands pausing where they were, a small pile of dead plants and weeds next to him, laying forgotten and brown, dried up. They looked like the strawberry plants in the picture of herself and Yuki that Tohru had taken with her. The former rat had still looked moderately healthy, the sun brightening both of their faces.

"You have no idea what the hell you are talking about, Kyo, so fuck off. Leave me alone. I am trying to get work done. The two of you must have been hearing things," Yuki spat out, viciously pulling at a plant. An old, bulb popped out of the soil. It was strange to see. Yuki took such pride in his garden, yet he was tearing the flowers up. Kyo eyed the other man warily.

"Right. Yes, we both just managed to have the same auditory hallucination, at the same exact moment in time. Look, I don't know what is going on with you, but you obviously need some help to work through...whatever is going on," Kyo moved closer. The other man stood. While tall, Kyo was taller, and where Kyo had a more broadly muscled body, Yuki was on the slim side. He was even more slim now, Kyo could see. He also wasn't ignorant enough to assume he could win a fight with him hands down. Yuki was skilled in many things, including martial arts. Yet with the way he wavered, that heaving motion to his chest, Kyo almost thought he might be able to best him.

"Kyo, shut up! Just shut up, and leave me the hell alone," Yuki yelled, Kyo's eyes widening for a moment, then narrowed dangerously. He willed Yuki to come after him. He wasn't disappointed. Yuki lunged at him, but Kyo was just a touch quicker, and a much stronger. In mere moments he had enough leverage to toss Yuki onto the ground. Desperate to hold Yuki still long enough to knock some sense into his stubborn head, Kyo pined both of Yuki's arms above his head, settling his weight onto the ground between the other man's legs. Yuki's chest rose and fell with a speed Kyo wasn't sure was healthy, but he didn't quite have the same audibly labored breathing of an attack, so Kyo attempted to simply hold him still.

"Quit fucking struggling," Kyo ordered through gritted teeth. That only seemed to spur Yuki on, his body thrashing, the smaller man throwing his weight against Kyo. It pushed him against Kyo's body, moving them against one another. Kyo felt his breath catch, Yuki's eyes closing tightly as he squirmed, back arching, his hips rubbing against-

Kyo swallowed heavily, feeling his body react. It was only natural though, and he needed to focus instead on Yuki. His cousin's lips were reddened, his cheeks reddened, body flailing against his futilely.

Yuki managed to wheeze a shout at Kyo, sounding more like a frightened child than Kyo had ever heard. It didn't reach other lower areas of Kyo, however. He could feel himself flush, even as he yelled at Yuki to calm down and quit fighting him. It just made Yuki try to wriggle against him even further. He felt partially mortified, partially guilty, and partially plain horny. It wasn't that Yuki was ugly in any way. He was almost too pretty. But this was another man, and not only that, but that man was Yuki. The same person he'd grown up hating. He'd known Yuki since they were very small children, and spent his whole life despising Yuki and admiring him, too. Their relationship was complex and built on little but negativity.

"Yuki listen to me," he yelled, capturing Yuki's wrists in one hand as he used the other to put his hand on his cousin's face, holding his chin steady, "Stop fucking struggling and calm down!" He snapped. Yuki froze and opened his eyes. Yuki, Kyo decided, truly did have pretty eyes. They were a delicate purple, and Kyo felt a hint of jealousy-the rat had to be beautiful, and perfect at seemingly everything, and it was one more reason that the erection he was sporting that was ground into the other man's more private areas was so very, very wrong.

"Please, please just let me go," Yuki begged, chest heaving, hard, his breathing making that horrid choking sound that reminded Kyo of a car engine refusing to turn over-yet someone continuously trying to crank it, anyway. Kyo nodded, feeling so guilty, and dumbfounded, too. They'd wrestled and fought how many times? But Yuki was shaking, breathing wheezed and choked, tears in his eyes, seeming to be on the verge of a true meltdown. Kyo squirmed himself, trying to get the leverage to climb to his feet. Yuki closed his eyes, and Kyo worried for a moment he was going to start sobbing once more.

He was probably disgusted, Kyo thought, and really-maybe he needed to jerk off more if he was so sexually frustrated that he was going to start getting hard every time he fought with Yuki. Kyo bit back a groan when Yuki moved, trying to sit up himself, brushing against him. Beyond embarrassed, Kyo sat back on his heels, giving Yuki the space to stand. Kyo was certain the other man was about to run, and given the sounds he was making, it wasn't going to be a good idea. But he needed to wait for the right moment...there. Kyo stood, lunging, and grabbed Yuki's wrist as he turned to flee.

What he hadn't anticipated was the knee to his groin as Yuki screamed something that sounded like: "No". He dropped to the ground, sinking down onto his knees, nauseous, barely able to catch his breath, his back, and abdominal region radiating pain that throbbed in time with his crotch, all thoughts of sex long forgotten.

Yuki ran until he couldn't run anymore, struggling to catch his breath, as he found himself in area that he didn't quite recognize. He leaned against the closest tree to him, and tried to push away the memories that were trying to force their way back into his mind. It was hard though. They didn't want to leave.

Yuki, you bring darkness to the world around you, and it spreads, like a cancer. Your world is black, but so is mine. It's okay, you don't have to worry or feel ashamed. I love you.

He'd known her secret. He'd known, but he'd never told a soul. He knew because when he was young she'd held him against her, then told him it was like dress-up. He could help her, and play with her. He just had to swear not to tell. When you are 6 you are gullible and it hadn't ever occurred to him to tell.

Oh, Yuki, don't cry. You will always be my favorite, and I'm sorry. But don't cry, it's all better now. Come here, my precious rat.

How could someone who'd been so wounded herself be capable of creating such cruelty? Had that been a game to her, too? He didn't understand anymore.

He slid down a tree trunk, sitting, his head in his hands.


	6. Little shards underfoot

**Author's note:** Hello, and sorry this has taken so long to update! We are two busy busy people! Between school, work, family, and one of us getting married next month it's kinda crazy! Also, apologies as it seems that ff-net has been eating our page breaks and some of the formatting and all that crap. I think a few of he earlier chapters might have been hard to read. I'm still working on figuring out how to fix that. My sibling-better-half is the pro at uploading beautifully formatted chapters, so I will pester her to get her to fix the earlier ones. Also, eventually we will post the link for our lj in our profile. This story already has one scene, and will likely get more, that are…of the more adult variety. They will be posted there in all their unedited glory. Please be patient while we…maybe…get life to calm down. Thanks again, and please review! Even if you've already reviewed, please review more! It encourages us to give our all to the story.

After what felt like an eternity, Kyo finally managed to make himself stand up, wincing all the while. Yuki's reaction hadn't been expected, and Kyo wondered what exactly had triggered it. Maybe he should ask Shigure about it when he got home. If anyone would know, it would be him.

The walk to the house was longer than it normally would be, and he cursed the pain that he was still going through. As soon as the house came into view, he saw Shigure standing on the porch looking more worried than he had ever seen him.

"Have you seen Yuki? I haven't seen him since he ran out during breakfast," Shigure called out as soon as Kyo was within earshot.

"You mean he isn't home yet?" Kyo asked in reply. "He left before I did, so I figured he'd back already. Damnit."

Shigure regarded him silently for a moment, seeming to take everything in. "What did you do, Kyo?"

"Why does everyone automatically assume that things are my fault? I admit we got into an arguement, but he's the one that freaked out and he's the one that ran off," Kyo said in the most frustrated tone he could muster. "I ran after him as soon as I could, but didn't see him anywhere. I assumed that he would be here by now."

"No offense, but it normally is you. Who was it that put a hole in my roof when Tohru first started living here? Who was it that always started fights with Yuki and ended up flying through the door, and causing me to spend more money on doors than I have on anything else in my lifetime?" Shigure paused and gave Kyo a pointed look. "Now, tell me. What exactly did you do?" Kyo glared balefully at the writer.

"We got into a fight, okay? We argued...we wrestled, and we ended up on the ground, and-" Kyo raised an eyebrow at Shigure's slight wince and the shake of his head, "What? It was just some wrestling, and I almost beat him, too. But, before he ran off he landed a ...'low blow'." Kyo winced, expecting the former dog to easily figure out what had occurred. Shigure was many things, but he was also damningly smart, and good with puzzles and figuring things out. Perhaps that was why he wrote such captivating stories. Kyo wasn't certain; all he knew was that the other man had easily made enough money and had enough royalties coming in that he'd retired, preferring to take on an odd freelance job when bored, instead of working full time. Kyo was sure he'd be living comfortably until the end of his days.

Kyo shifted, rubbing at the small of his back, watching Shigure warily. He looked deeply worried. He actually looked more worried than Kyo could ever recall, short of the last time Akito had gotten sick, after her worn-out body had finally succumbed. All the years of illness had finally been too much and her body had been unable to carry on. When Hatori had told Shigure how serious it had been, how it might be the last time, Shigure had held much the same expression of sick dread.

"What?" Kyo demanded. Shigure continued to stare off the front porch, frowning. Shigure was actually beginning to make him worry. "I swear, I didn't do anything terrible to him, it was just fighting like we always have done."

"I told you to leave him be," Shigure half muttered to himself, "I'm going to go after him. Maybe you shouldn't go, though." The writer almost seemed to be talking more to himself, than Kyo. The younger man felt the hair on his neck stand, and his ire rise to the surface.

"No, I'm going to help," He refused to fight with Shigure in regards to who was right in how best to deal with Yuki's troubles. It was not a good time. Again Shigure both surprised, and slightly impressed, Kyo by showing his more responsible side.

"Fine, Kyo, I suppose we can cover more ground that way. I'm going to go get my cellphone, Make sure you have your phone with you. If you get lost, call me. If you find him and you need help, call me. Do you understand?" Shigure waited for Kyo's nod, before running back in the house.

* * *

><p>The leaves and twigs crackled under Shigure's feet. He'd barely taken the two minutes it took him to grab a pair of slacks, shirt and socks. Kyo had already been out the door and heading into the woods when he'd been slipping on shoes. The jacket in his hand kept catching on small twigs, and every so often he reached down, paranoid that the cell phone in his pocket would somehow fall out.<p>

"Yuki," he stopped, calling out, straining his ears for the sound of the young man. He bit his lip, his stomach twisting. If something happened, if he'd had an attack, would he even be able to call out? Probably not. Depending on how far the attack had gone, he would be gasping silently, a fish out of water silently suffocating. Or he would be making the horrid choking gasps that Shigure was familiar with. Before Yuki had moved in, Shigure had made sure to familiarize himself with what one should do in the event that an emergency situation arose. He couldn't stop himself, though. He cried out for Yuki again, not hearing anything.

_Ayame, I am so deeply sorry_, he could hear himself saying, _I tried to get there before…_ No. He couldn't allow himself to think like that. Yuki was strong. Yuki had overcome so much in his past and whether he believed it, or not, he was strong. And that meant that he had to be okay. He was probably alone and frightened, but he was okay, and he'd pull through this, just as he'd pulled through all that Akito had done.

Kyo hadn't known. Kyo simply hadn't known. However, Shigure suspected. He'd been around Akito enough to know. He'd seen the way she tugged a tiny Yuki into her arms, the small child shaking, eyes wide, looking like he was about to be sick. He'd heard Yuki beg, in tears, to please, please don't. Please just let him go. He'd never tell, and yes, he loved her too, but he didn't...

Shigure blinked back moisture, confused as to the hows and whens. It was over, Akito was at peace, and he only hoped that whomever had damaged Akito and continued along with that cycle of violence was dead and burning in whatever hell they so rightly deserved. Screaming Yuki's name over, and over, and over he continued. He was getting further and further from his home, off into the truly wild forested areas in between and further out from the main Sohma compound, and his own home. They were further out enough into the rural areas that while there weren't any bears, there were wild boars, and it did get colder at night.

Stopping, Shigure held onto a tree, trying to catch his own breath. At this point, it was questionable if he'd even get cell phone reception. He swore violently, wanting to kick at the tree he was leaning against. He'd let Ayame down, all of Yuki's friends, Kyo, and Yuki himself. Akito had asked him to help care for her family, to give them the love she should have given them. The love and forgiveness Tohru had passed on to her, had taught to them.

"Goddamnit. Goddamnit, where the hell are you, Yuki?" Shigure didn't show affection often. Not openly. Not in the smothering way Ayame did, but in his own way, he did care about the younger man deeply. It was hard not to live with someone for as long as he did and not feel some measure of love. To Shigure, Yuki was almost an adopted brother.

After a minute or so more of crashing through leaves, he heard the sound that hurt his ears, made him feel sick unease, but also reassured him. It was the gasping, horrid cough of an asthmatic in the grips of an attack that hadn't made it to fatal proportions just yet. The younger man was curled on his side, a hand clutching at his chest. He looked dizzy, his face far too pale. Bits of leaves clung to his clothes and hair that Ayame had once called "diluted violet". It only highlighted his waxy skin.

"Yuki, it's okay. It's just me, Yuki. I'm here, and it's going to be okay," Shigure told the younger man. He spoke soft, soothing words, slowly approaching him in the way he'd approach a wounded animal. Akito's softly spoken, cruel boasts echoed in his head as he knelt next to Yuki. _He is beautiful, isn't he Shigure? He's all mine. I made him mine, you know._ Yuki's eyes widened, but Shigure hushed him, gently touching Yuki's hair. Shigure heard Yuki try to gasp his name. It hurt to hear. He checked his phone, finding only a patchy signal, and decided to hurry along. Yuki was only getting worse, and it was hard to say how long he'd actually laid there. He could have simply been rushing off into the woods, and stopped to rest. Or he'd had the beginnings of the attack and plunged along anyway.

"Come on, Yuki. Let's get you home," Shigure said, gently, lifting an arm around his neck. Maybe the younger man could walk, he decided. It soon hit him that it would be much easier to lift Yuki. More painful and tiring for him, but easier. Kneeling down, he lowered Yuki into a sitting position, his back facing him. Yuki seemed to get the idea, and leaned forward. Shigure took his arm and hoisted him up, carrying Yuki piggyback. He simply wasn't up to walking, even with Shigure's help, and Shigure didn't want to drag him through the forest. On the way, he would call Kyo.

* * *

><p>When Kyo got the call from Shigure, he breathed out a sigh of relief. He was glad that Yuki was found, but he didn't waste any time calling Hatori, telling him to hurry to the house, because Yuki needed to be checked out. The call was brief, but Hatori was on his way.<p>

Shigure and Yuki weren't at the house when he arrived, but it wasn't long before he saw the two come into view. Shigure seemed out of breath from both carrying Yuki and walking what looked to be a considerable distance. It was worrying to see that Yuki didn't have the strength to walk by himself, needed to be carried home, and it just seemed to confirm that things were going so wrong.

"Is Hatori here yet?" Shigure asked as soon as he reached the porch, shifting Yuki in his arms. He looked a little frantic.

"Not yet, he's on his way though. Is there something that I can do while we're waiting for him?" Kyo listened as Shigure listed off things to do so that Hatori didn't have to more than he had too and then, when he was finished, he took Yuki inside to lay him down. Kyo hated feeling helpless, so he didn't even waste a minute before going to do what Shigure asked of him and it wasn't long before he had a pot of hot water, a washcloth, and a few other things that Shigure asked for.

When he was ready to take everything upstairs, he head a car door slam shut and he knew that Hatori had just arrived. He was relieved that they didn't have to wait any longer, and that they could have Yuki looked at.

"He's upstairs I take it?" Hatori asked after he had taken off his shoes, and made his way to where Kyo was standing.

"Yeah. Shigure thought it would best to lay him down in a bed," Kyo answered. "He also asked me to get a few things together while we waited for you to get here, but you got here faster than we expected."

"It sounded pretty serious over the phone, more serious than normal, so of course I arrived faster," Hatori said, and then he nodded towards the stairs. "We should get going. Talking isn't going to help Yuki get better any faster."

"Yeah, you're right, sorry," Kyo said sheepishly, and followed Hatori, making his way up the stairs and into Yuki's room.

"Oh, Hatori! You're here. I thought you were going to be just a little while longer. Glad to see you didn't waste anytime," Shigure exclaimed when they had walked through the door, and he sounded relieved.

Hatori nodded grimly, hearing Kyo step into Yuki's room behind him. He was surprised when Yuki's self-proclaimed rival moved to the other side of Yuki's bed. The young man looked small and frail, his breathing labored. He still coughed occasionally, but his body hadn't quite made it to the more dangerous areas yet. Hatori set his bag at the foot of Yuki's bed and opened it.

"You used his epi-pen, Shigure? It must have been very serious," Hatori commented. To use an epi-pen on an asthma attack was more of a last minute move. The stimulants did help open up his airways and counteracted whatever reaction had caused the attack. "How many puffs has he had off of his inhaler?"

"Two. I was worried about giving him too many with the epi-pen," Shigure told him. Yuki coughed, the sound loud. "He seems to slowly be responding but I haven't seen him in such bad shape in a really long time."

"You did the right thing by calling me," Hatori reassured, pulling out a stethoscope and small machine. "It will measure how much oxygen is getting into his blood stream", Hatori explained as Kyo stared. Hatori didn't want to take the time to explain peak oxygen flow, or the various intricacies of asthma. He instead clipped the machine to Yuki's pointer finger and set it to monitor his levels. Shigure wordlessly helped him lean Yuki forward. When they reached the point where Hatori was fumbling trying to get the stethoscope into position to listen, Shigure simply started tugging the shirt off; they would have had to remove it to clean the bits of dirt from him anyway. Rolling around in the forest wasn't a neat and clean activity.

When his shirt came off Kyo was shocked. He'd had a few glances at his cousin before but Yuki had always been very careful-careful to a point of neuroses-about not letting anyone seem him unclothed. Kyo finally understood why. Yuki had scars. Not just a few, but crisscross patterns, a few round ones that resembled burns. His arms held more, only a few were still pink. Hatori nor Shigure looked at all shocked by the scars on Yuki's back, sides, shoulders and a few on his chest and stomach.

Hatori sighed, Shigure making a noise of disapproval when Yuki's arms were bared, however. Kyo was certain he heard Shigure murmur: "I had no idea", to Hatori. The doctor shook his head, and lightly touched a fingertip to one pink scar that was fading to white. Yuki jerked slightly, as though he wanted to pull his arm away, and Shigure hushed him gently.

"It's all okay now, Yuki. I'm going to help, okay?" Hatori said quietly, sounding more tender than Kyo could remember ever hearing. Kyo took the clothes they pulled off of Yuki and put them in a pile at his feet. Shigure handed Hatori the damn washcloth, letting him clean the dusty remains of his trip through the forest from the younger man while he supported Yuki's weight. When they had the dirt and sweat off of him, Hatori made sure he was settled under several blankets, his eyes watching the peak-flow monitor. It was still low, but not enough that he felt Yuki needed to be hospitalized. Yuki's breathing was already easier, and his color better.

"You did a good job, Shigure. He'll be fine, after some rest, and a good meal or two to help him get his strength back up. I'll leave another epi-pen here in case you need it. I also have a lower dose of his usual inhaler with me that I'll leave here. He should probably take one puff tomorrow, and then he can go back to his emergency inhaler if he has another attack. I'd suggest dusting, as soon as you can, and putting the air purifier back in here, leaving it plugged in. Clean all his bed sheets tomorrow, as well," Shigure nodded, giving a pointed look to Kyo that promised he'd be helping. Hatori glanced at the door, then at Shigure, catching his eyes.

"Kyo, would you mind staying here? I'm going to go talk to Hatori for a bit, then I'll order us pizza for dinner. Does that sound okay?" Shigure queried, already heading towards the door. He felt inwardly warmed by the way Kyo solemnly nodded, already sinking down next to his cousin. He'd have to have a long talk with Kyo later about everything he'd seen and everything that had taken place. As much as he would try to deny it, Shigure knew that Kyo had been affected by all he'd seen, and all that had taken place.

* * *

><p>Shigure offered Hatori a smoke and poured him a drink when they reached his small office. Moving a stack of books, he settled in at his desk, Hatori across from him. The doctor poured a glass for Shigure and took a drink of the sake they had heated up. It was a nice, pricey brand, and delicious with just the right hint of sweetness. Savoring their vices, Shigure waited to see if Hatori would speak first, before giving up.<p>

"I'm sorry," he confessed to Hatori, "I honestly had no idea things were that bad. He," Shigure paused, motioning in the air, clearly searching for the best word, "Well, you know how Yuki is. You know how he locks every emotion up inside, and you know he refuses to talk about anything that would make him sound remotely human."

Hatori simply nodded. It was true, though he did wish that somehow they'd known how Yuki was feeling. They were going to have to explain this situation to Ayame and Hatori was dreading it. "Until Tohru came I am not sure I had ever seen Yuki laugh or smile. I only saw him in tears a few times as a small child," Hatori told him. He reached for the sake decanter and Shigure stopped him, reaching out to pour for his lover. "But then, I'm not so sure Yuki ever had anything to laugh or smile about, Shigure. Not until Tohru came."

"This is true. Considering his treatment by...by everyone, Ayame and Akito included, I'm a little surprised he didn't start cutting himself earlier," Shigure said quietly, studying a scratch on the surface of his desk. Hatori was silent for a long moment. Shigure finished his small glass, and Hatori poured more for him.

"He's lost a lot of weight, it looked like. I can't be sure unless I weighed him. I don't want to push him too much. But I think he needs help, Shigure. Help I cannot give him. I can heal his physical wounds, I can stabilize his asthma, I can lecture him on the dangers of excessive weight loss, but I can't heal his mental wounds, mental disorders or anything else any better than you could." Shigure looked tired. Tired, and older, Hatori noted, as he studied the writer. He'd done well, when Yuki had first come to live with him. The then very young man had barely spoken. He'd been so withdrawn, so depressed that he could barely bring himself to speak. Yuki had forever sulked, and would just sit, head hung, eyes trained on the floor, seeming so lost in his own dark thoughts. But over time, Shigure had helped draw him out. He could be very mature, very shrewd when he needed to be, but this was just something Shigure couldn't fix. It had gotten even bigger. Before, he'd been able to put band-aids on the scars, and it had gotten Yuki far. But now they needed to actually heal the former rat.

* * *

><p>Kyo touched Yuki's shoulder gently, before trailing his fingers down Yuki's arm, tracing the scars that he had been trying so hard to hide. He could see that this had been going on a for a while, some of the scars had started to fade, but there were also some that were scabbing and starting to heal over. Kyo hadn't known, hadn't even suspected this, and he felt guilty for not being able to see that something had been going on sooner than he had.<p>

This family had so many problems, Kyo knew, and every member had their own way with dealing with the issues that arose. Kyo just didn't understand why Yuki would choose this way when there so many other options. There were activities that he could have participated in, people he could have talked to, and still he chose to hurt himself like this. It was just something that he couldn't wrap his head around. Kyo was lost in thought, trying to figure out everything that was running through his head, and he hadn't realized that Yuki had woken up and was watching him and his reaction to what he was seeing with wary eyes.

"Oh, Yuki, you're awake. We were worried about you," Kyo said, trying to hide how embarrassed he was about being caught studying the other man

"Sorry," Yuki replied weakly, his voice barely louder than a whisper. Kyo figured that he was still in pain and didn't want to aggravate anything.

"Don't be sorry, just... don't do anything stupid anymore," Kyo said gruffly. He watched Yuki shift on the bed a bit, looking everywhere but up at Kyo's face. The way he wouldn't meet Kyo's eyes reminded him of an abused animal. Sighing, Kyo scrubbed a hand through his hair, tousling it roughly, and making the orange strands stick up.

"Yeah, sorry. I," Yuki trailed off, shrugging, eyes more unguarded than Kyo had seen in a long time, if ever, "Have you ever felt like the world around you could just swallow you whole? Like if you stopped swimming so hard, you'd just kinda...drown. You'd drown and disappear. But maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't have to constantly be struggling to stay afloat. I could stop. I could just...stop. I could drown, and I could disappear." Yuki said, voice a mumble. Kyo stared at him, frowning. He really didn't know what to tell Yuki. He'd heard, from Tohru, that Yuki saw himself as inferior, that the other man was nowhere near as confident and cool as he appeared. Underneath the surface he was every bit as unsure, wavering, hurt as they all were.

"Don't be," Kyo started, then stilled, deciding on a way to phrase things that suited a more gruffly gentle approach, "Don't say stupid shit. It will get better." He finished, though he could tell that even Yuki wouldn't believe that. He had no basis for such a statement. He was certain that deep down, even Shigure was still hurting from whatever emotional and psychological scars he'd received from their cursed family. Even Ayame had to have them. He had to. None of them had been immune, not even Tohru, and she hadn't even been a Sohma.

Deep down, Kyo had no idea what to say to Yuki. He didn't know how to stand up and combat the other man's way of thinking. He hadn't even had the power to help his own mother. She had helped herself, right out of the world, to end her own suffering.

"And just how is it supposed to get better?" Yuki asked, spitting out words that seemed as bitter as any medicine. "Both of us have taken time off from college, but you've got plans for the future. You want to open your own dojo, so even if you don't go back, you have something that you still want to do. Me? If I don't go back, I'm useless. What could I do? Nothing."

"You are possibly the most ignorant person on the face of this planet. Where's that dumb fanclub of yours when you need them the most?" Kyo snapped out mockingly.

"Gee, thanks for listening, and being the support that I may have needed," Yuki replied icily, obviously upset by Kyo's words.

"No, no. That's not- that's not what I meant, damnit," Kyo said, gritting his teeth and trying to reign in his anger. Yuki drew his bottom lip into his mouth, worrying it between his teeth, face sullen.

"I hated that club. 'Oh, Prince Yuki, you're so beautiful'. Right. I hate being pretty." Yuki's voice was so soft Kyo almost had to strain to hear him, but the bitter words surprised Kyo. Everyone loved Yuki, but Kyo wondered if he didn't feel like the Yuki they knew and loved was fake. Kyo himself was beginning to wonder if the Yuki he'd grown up with, hating and envying, wasn't also some sort of other Yuki the man had manifested from an early age. Given what Kyo had heard of the effects of childhood abuse, and the scars littering Yuki's body, he wouldn't have been surprised.

"Okay, well...I'm not sure anyone liked them. But..don't change the subject! Damnit...", Kyo trailed off, then ran a hand through his hair, gripping it tightly. Yuki was infuriating. Kyo looked down to meet Yuki's eyes. He was overly pale, face a bit too angular, expression his typical hard look, yet his eyes.. Something in them was so wounded, so raw that it made Kyo's breath catch in his throat and his heart ache.

"Look, Yuki, there's...there's a lot out there. Everybody has something for them, you just have to be patient and think of what you want to do. Isn't that the point? We are free now, and you can choose whatever you want to do! Anything. And maybe once we go back to college you'll take a class you really like and you will figure it out." Kyo told him, hoping that he'd look back and that something in Yuki's eyes, that wounded, crying child he'd seen lurking in there would stop looking at him like he'd just been betrayed.

Yuki rolled his eyes, seeming to have become every bit as frustrated as Kyo felt at the moment. He struggled to pull himself up more by his elbows, Kyo frowning and making an exasperated noise; Yuki was supposed to stay still. Instead, he had weakly drawn himself up enough to look Kyo more squarely in the eye, no longer in the same position of vulnerability.

"You can be strong, Kyo! You've always been stronger. When we were children, I was the one who had to be careful with my asthma attacks. Yes, I got better at martial arts, but talent has nothing to do with strength, Kyo. You've always had the strength to face the world and just be yourself. You've always been able to make friends while being able to stay true to yourself. I can't do that! I've never been able to do that! People don't truly like me; they admire me. If they knew the real me...", Yuki broke off, his cheeks flushed, chest heaving with breaths drawn in desperately by his already weakened lungs, "Akito was right: my life is darkness. That room she painted was the right color."

"That's just completely ridiculous. Strength isn't just being physically strong; it's also the reason why the thirteen of us are still standing here today, and I can tell you that not all of us are physically strong. I mean, just look at Ayame," Kyo gesticulated wryly, hoping that the example would both cheer Yuki up and drive his point home. "I don't precisely know what Akito did to you, but she's not here now. You are. You've already shown just how strong you really are."

Yuki flinched at the mention of Akito's name from someone else's lips; it bothered him. The mention of Akito and he wasn't sure why it was so different. He could bring himself to say her name and still hold back the memories, but when someone else did it he felt shivers roll up his spine, his stomach clenching. "I don't want to talk about her or about what happened anymore. Just.. leave it alone."

"I don't think I will, actually. It's something that's obviously bothering you, and you can't just keep it bottled inside. You need to talk to someone about it. If there is one thing that I learned from Tohru, it's that you can't keep everything locked inside," Kyo said, his voice sincere. Yuki looked pained for a long moment, and Kyo thought he could see the evidence of horrific memories flit across Yuki's face.

"Shut up, Kyo, and don't talk about things you don't know about. Just...", Yuki licked his lips, eyes closing as he visibly tried to steel himself, "Please. Don't talk to me about it." Yuki's voice was softer, and when he opened his eyes again, Kyo saw the same frightened child reflected in them. Yuki's eyes were overly bright, and Kyo snapped his mouth shut, not wanting to cause Yuki any more pain. Instead, he nodded and Yuki sank deeper into the bed.

Eyes feeling heavy, Yuki forced them back open. He knew Kyo was still there, and when he glanced at his cousin, he saw that Kyo was staring at him; specifically, Kyo seemed to be staring at either his chest or the covers, Yuki wasn't sure which. When he glanced down, he saw that his much over-sized t-shirt had slipped, baring a few choice scars. Yuki bit back the bile that suddenly lurched into his throat. He rarely looked in the mirror, studiously ignored himself when he dressed. He usually had come down for breakfast in his school uniform. But now...

When Yuki glanced back up at Kyo, feeling the tears renewing themselves in his eyes, he only saw compassion written across his cousin's face. Kyo wasn't staring, didn't seem disgusted. Instead, Yuki was startled to feel dry but soft lips on his forehead, his brain too much a fog of medicine to have noticed Kyo bending over him.

"Just get some sleep, Yuki. Whatever Hatori gave you was supposedly pretty strong." Kyo pulled a chair over towards the bed, seeing understanding in Yuki's eyes as he sank down on it. If Kyo hadn't known any better he would have sworn he saw a small smile on Yuki's lips as the other man's eyes closed.


	7. Every step felt like glass

**Author's note:** I feel guilty that we hadn't updated in so long, and I have some time, so I figured I'd put up the next chapter. It's nowhere near as long as the last one, but I hope it will quench the thirst of those of you excited about this story! We've worked hard, spent many a sleepless night online working on this. (We live on opposite ends of the world from each other-myself, in Tokyo, and my sister at the opposite end of the globe.) I will say that due to time differences, work, and my wedding next month that updates might become a bit more spotty. We wrote most of this a while ago when I was on vacation from work. Luckily, winter break is coming up, but again, my wedding is leaving my schedule looking a bit scary. So, once we run out of back material to post, there **may** be longer lags in updates. But fear not, as your reviews are really spurring us on, and make us want to give our all to the story! (not to mention, we are having a hell of a fun time writing it, ha!) Also, apologies, as when I went back and re-read the last chapter, I noticed a huge amount of typos. We do read as we type and spot check each other, but I will endeavor to read a lot more carefully from now on. I'll fix the problems as soon as I can! It's embarrassing.

Major ed groupie: Yes, they all have grown up, and especially when you are as young as Yuki and Kyo were at the end of the manga, well…even just a year can make a world of difference.

Mika Starlight: Oh, bless you, your review made me nearly squeal in the break room at work! I'm so glad it all seems realistic. I've never bought into the, honestly, somewhat un-informed way that many stories portray everything from abuse to eating disorders. Real life is not a fairy tale, and yet a lot of stories seem to treat these problems along the lines of: "A kiss from that true love, and BAM, you're cured and it's all roses from here on out!" Largely, I think many of the issues that the manga hinted at were never truly explored in depth because of the target audience of the manga in Japan. It was mostly marketed toward the pre-teen and young teen audience, and I remember seeing one of my students who was 13 reading one of the latter volumes my first year here. The manga never really glossed over them, but they didn't go into detail either. Given what is shown in the manga, and a lot of the stuff Akito just says alone, in the manga, Yuki would have some really deep issues that, in reality, a kiss wouldn't solve. (That's our opinion, anyway)

* * *

><p>The next morning found Shigure yawning over a fresh cup of coffee. He was in his customary yukata, a jacket of sorts, that actually belonged with his kimono, over it. It was getting to be too cool for a yukata, yet not quite cool enough to justify the much thicker kimono. He wasn't certain why he still wore the traditional Japanese garb. He'd reverted back to the slightly scruffy styles of his youth after he'd retired from writing and devoted himself to being at Akito's side, but habit is sometimes stronger than sense, he knew. So, he'd regressed. He'd even caught himself mentally penning lines that he knew would be perfect for a novel that morning.<p>

He'd quit, though. Not even romance novels held his interest; the scenes merely a play flitting through his mind, fantasies that involved a man that very much resembled himself, and a black haired woman with a sharp tongue and a fragile heart who resembled his own lost love. Part of him wanted to surrender, to spend the rest of his days drawing forth those fantasies and putting them to paper, letting her live on. She'd have scoffed, rolled her eyes, and staunchly ignored his ridiculous notions, though.

"A penny for your seemingly gloomy thoughts," Hatori said, startling Shigure. The former author jumped, then gave his longtime friend, current lover, a small smile. He made to rise, but saw that somehow Hatori had snuck past him during his musings to grab a cup of coffee for himself. He watched Hatori lightly blow upon the surface of the liquid before taking a long sip, sighing as he swallowed. Shigure understood the sentiment: one's first sip of coffee in the morning was one of life's most necessary pleasures, in their book.

"Thank you for the quote, and the money, Hatori," Shigure quipped, shrugging, "How did you sleep?" Hatori merely arched an eyebrow, watching the enigma of a man lean back, coffee cup cradled in both hands as though he were sucking up the warmth and energy through his fingers.

"Well enough. I just hope no one questions me on the 'where'," Hatori said, shaking his head with a sigh. How did Shigure talk him into some of these things? It wasn't that they'd done anything, but Shigure had told him the couch would be terrible for his back, along with a list of excuses that Hatori had eventually interrupted. He knew the real reason, and it had more to do with loneliness and a warm body holding memories at bay. Hatori understood, and could empathize. Not that Shigure would ever, ever admit to it. Shigure was damn near a chronic liar about many things.

"Don't fret. You'd be surprised how often Ayame gets away with it. Yuki hides from him, as does Kyo. Poor Aya," Shigure replied, smiling a bit, affection clear in the use of the man's nickname. "Did you check on Yuki?" He asked, taking a long swallow of his coffee. The hot liquid burnt his mouth, but it was a bit pleasant and soothing.

Hatori nodded, looking down into his cup at the black liquid reflecting the morning light that peeked through the windows. It was a grey day, and a perfect mix for the crisp chill of Fall that rode the breezes. He could hear the wind-chime near the front door tinkling a faint tune.

"He's sleeping. Kyo is slumped in a chair nearby. I'm tempted to leave painkillers. His back and neck are going to hurt," Hatori informed him. He saw Shigure's eyebrow twitch, and fought against the urge to sigh, and berate him. He knew that Kyo was in for at least a full day's worth of teasing. "I'm surprised, but then hating someone is every bit as passionate as loving them, I suppose."

Shigure smirked at the words; it was as he had noted, and expected, really. His face grew serious as he slowly spoke: "What should I do with Yuki?" As sly as he was, as manipulative, as much as he occasionally drifted through life, and used others to help him on his way, he wasn't a cold person. He had grown to care about Kyo and Yuki both, very much. He couldn't simply watch Yuki drown the way he was.

"Do you really want me to be honest, Shigure," Hatori questioned, waiting for the man to give him an affirmative nod, "As I said yesterday, I can heal him physically. I left a preventative inhaler, and stronger emergency medication. He has multivitamins. He's had painkillers, I gave you some sleeping pills and mild sedatives-and make sure you keep those hidden away from him-but I cannot heal his mind. Sure, I've read books. I took classes on Psychology in college. But I am not a trained psychologist, or a psychotherapist. He needs to see one.

I," Hatori paused, frowning, before barreling on, "I know that Akito hurt him in ways I don't want to mention. The games of jealousy and revenge that you both played were brutal, and hurt innocent people in the process," Hatori held up a hand to stall Shigure when he saw the other man's mouth open, "And I am not placing blame. Pain is a powerful manipulator, Shigure, and people can be so cruel when hurt. You were both hurting, deeply. But you did hurt others, and that, Shigure, is only human. It's a human reaction. Those scars have cut Yuki deeply, both the physical ones that I know you had no part in, and the later psychological ones. You need to...to perhaps mention to Kyo that he is treading in some very dangerous waters." Hatori added. The momentary pain on Shigure's face had him reaching across the table for the former novelist. His fingers brushed the other's hand, startling Shigure out of a solemn reverie. His fingers twitched, Hatori giving them a light squeeze of comfort before withdrawing. His actions earned him a soft, and flitting, smile.

"We'd better not tell Ayame, just yet," Shigure told him, pulling out cigarettes. Hatori slid the ashtray in between them, lighting a smoke of his own.

"That would probably be for the best," Hatori said, nodding in agreement. "Considering how fragile Yuki is right now, I don't know if he can handle Ayame. But, once Yuki is a little more stable, Ayame should know about this, even though he won't like being told after the fact." Hatori knew that the former snake would very likely be livid, however Ayame had a lot on his plate. "Besides, Ayame has enough to worry about, Shigure. Mine is coming along well in her pregnancy, but the divorce papers just went through, so..." Hatori cleared his throat uncomfortably. The divorce, and his own role in it, still clung to him like a disgusting, guilty, oily film.

"It takes two to make a decision like that, so don't place the blame solely on yourself," Shigure said, placing a comforting hand on Hatori's shoulder. "But, at least it's an amicable divorce. There's no arguing, there's going to be no custody battle. So, even though the situation isn't ideal, it could always be worse."

Hatori opened his mouth to reply to Shigure, but thought better of it when he heard floorboards creaking above them. "Looks like Kyo is finally awake, I gave Yuki enough sedatives that he should remain asleep until the afternoon," Hatori told him, picking up his coffee cup and draining it in one fluid movement, "Anyway, I have a few appointments this afternoon. I think you should talk to Kyo." Shigure watched the other man stand, and found himself doing the same. A part of him considered leaning in to capture the doctor's lips in a kiss, but somehow, without Ayame there, it felt almost wrong. Hatori smiled at him, seeming to read his thoughts easily, and reached out to ghost his fingertips along Shigure's jaw,

Shigure let him see himself out, taking their coffee cups into the kitchen. Hatori's was left in the sink, while his own was refilled. When he moved back to the table, Kyo was already in the seat Hatori had vacated, looking sleepy.

"So, I hear that you spent the night in Yuki's room. How did that go?" Shigure's voice had a hint of teasing, but the tone of his voice didn't match what was in his eyes.

"I slept in a chair, so I don't even know what you would be referring too," Kyo said slowly, clearly suspicious of what Shigure might be talking about and what would be said next. He knew that that couldn't be all that would be said on the topic.

"Mm, okay, Romeo," Shigure said, mouth quirking for a small moment, "I wanted to talk to you, actually," He stopped at Kyo's over-dramatic sigh, waiting for the young man to finish. With another quirk, he spoke again: "Come on, Kyo. I've seen Ayame, and he and Yuki look a lot alike. I've also seen how you look at Yuki, and I get it. I understand."

"Oh, shut up!" Kyo snapped, glaring viciously at the former dog. Shigure didn't know everything, even if it was impossible to ignore Ayame's obvious beauty.

"I'm being serious, Kyo. I get it, but Yuki...has a lot of issues. Akito did some very bad things." Shigure sighed, a bit of a nauseated feeling welling within him._ 'Amazing how much little Yuki has grown, isn't it, Shigure? And he obeys me. He obeys me whenever I ask him to do anything-unlike you. He won't betray me. Not Yuki.'_ Akito had taken him to peek into the room where she kept Yuki, and Shigure had been able to make out the pre-pubescent form of the former rat curled on the floor, his only clothing bandages. Letting out a shaky sigh, Shigure reached up to remove his glasses, rubbing at where they pinched his nose. When he opened his eyes, he squinted a bit, but Kyo was close enough for him to easily make out the younger man's features.

"Akito," Kyo almost wanted to feel more sympathy for the way Shigure's face pinched at the woman's name on his lips, "She did a lot to Yuki."

"You already said that," Kyo said, the words coming out of his mouth before he could stop them. His voice sounded slightly hoarse to his own ears, and he found that his hands were clenched, the blunt nails still biting into his palms. But Shigure only nodded, face still tight. He cleared his throat and took another sip of coffee, Kyo waiting, his heart tumbling about in his chest with nearly painful throbs.

"I don't want to...to actually say it. It's not my place to say it, Kyo, but I can tell you that Yuki was hurt in more ways than one. He doesn't like to be touched without permission. He doesn't like to be around people he isn't familiar with, though you likely already noticed that. He has horrible self-confidence, he doesn't want others to see him unclothed." Shigure stopped, shaking his head. He didn't want to, and couldn't, say any more.

Kyo felt ill. He pushed away from the table, mind reeling. Added together, he got an answer he didn't want to ever have arrived at. How could this have happened? Shigure clearly knew of it, so where the hell had the adults been? What about Yuki's mother? The little he'd seen of the woman, she had been tall, with a serious face, almost slim to a fault, hair a lighter shade of brown. She'd had no love in her eyes for her son, only the glimmer of greed in her eyes when she'd deigned to 'visit' her youngest child. Kyo supposed he couldn't imagine her going against Akito for such a thing, but surely some of the other adults had seen and known? Why hadn't anyone done anything? It was something Kyo would never wish on anyone. His struggled to make his mouth open and say something, the horror surely clear on his face to the older man. He could remember Yuki telling him many a time that he should never, ever wish to be a part of the inner circle.

"Kyo, I'm sorry. I hate that I've had to tell you anything, but...you need to know. Just don't let Yuki know I told you anything. It would embarrass him, and rightfully so." Kyo couldn't remember the last time he'd heard such a note of upset in Shigure's usually smooth, mellow tone. Instead, he found himself nodding, the strange yet welcome pressure of Shigure's hand squeezing his shoulder somehow comforting as he struggled to accept the sudden knowledge he'd been handed. It was odd; he was an adult, technically, but he still felt as though someone had just stolen a piece of his own innocence and childhood.


	8. If silence heal, I know it can kill

As quietly as the snake he'd once turned into, Ayame entered Hatori's office. He let the door close behind him, and called out the doctor's name. There'd been no answer at his lover's home, so he'd naturally checked his office. Hatori wasn't answering his cell phone, either, but it wasn't unusual, since Akito's passing, for him to have it turned off. Before, it had been the best way for household staff to reach him, should Akito have required him, but these days he typically left it off while at work.

Ayame hefted the small bag he carried with him higher onto his shoulder, and walked further into the office, calling Hatori's name louder. But there was no answering reply, so Hatori wasn't simply in the back. He wasn't with a patient. Ayame mused he likely stepped out for air, a smoke, some food or to buy a drink. It wasn't surprising. Even Hatori had to stop for a break sometime. He still wished that his lover was there. He would welcome the distraction from his melancholy thoughts. He'd met Mine at the mediator's office, both of them receiving signed copies of their divorce papers. He'd given her a hug goodbye, his now ex-wife with tears in her eyes, belly newly rounded with their child. She'd smiled bitter-sweetly when his fingers had brushed the swelling, and he'd asked her to take care of both of them. Giving him that same pained smile, she'd asked him to do the same, and then that was that. He'd be there when his child was born, he'd see her when she agreed to let him see his child-'As often as you'd like. It's important to me that our child know both of us, and feel the love and support both of us can give'-but overall that chapter in his life had closed, opening up opportunities for him. It also left him with a space he needed to fill in his store, and knowing that until he found someone, he'd have to take far fewer orders. It had been a long time since he'd had to design, draft patterns, and sew, all by himself. It was a daunting thought, and for the time being, he'd closed the shop, needing a few weeks to get his head and heart in the right place. He simply had too many memories of working with Mine.

Sighing, Ayame wandered over to Hatori's desk. The patient chairs weren't as comfortable and inviting as the comfortable wheeled chair Hatori used, though Ayame knew he hated it when he would sit there. It left him able to look at the files, such as the one he had left open, obviously in the middle of working on when he'd stepped out. The sunlight peeking in through the blinds Hatori had covering the nearby window was just enough to highlight the characters. A Sohma, naturally, but the second character left Ayame startled. His little brother's name was written in Hatori's neat writing. Usually, he had the slightly messy scrawl that led to a few doctor's jokes, and a shake of the head from Shigure, (Ayame had slightly rounded, yet pretty writing that Shigure deemed effeminate, against his careful, neat, precise, but obviously masculine writing. Hatori's was messy but legible, Shigure had said), but when it came to writing names he was very, very precise and careful, to avoid any mistakes that might come from an incorrect stroke in the kanji character, here or there. It was even more important when one considered that he was a doctor for the Sohma family. It wasn't as though many different family names could help distinguish between patients.

Frowning, Ayame guiltily looked over his should, before leaning over the side of the desk. He recognized the scrawled characters for acute asthma attack, which was deeply concerning, given that Yuki seemed to have been outgrowing the childhood condition, but what made him freeze were the number for mental health centers, doctor's names beside the numbers. A pad of official looking paper that Hatori used to write reference letters lay nearby. He'd obviously been considering writing some sort of reference, and Ayame assumed it was too one of the mental health centers he'd listed. Why would Yuki need to see someone for mental issues?

Ayame wanted to hit himself, as soon as the thought crossed his mind. Snorting bitterly, he shook his head: the real question was more along the lines of why wouldn't he need to see one. The whole inner cursed family could probably have used a lot of therapy, he mused darkly. His eyes flicked down the page: acute asthma attack and it seemed to have been very, very bad. He'd required epi-pen injections. That frightened him. He could remember the former family doctor: a very, very old man who always smelled strangely, in his opinion. He'd been bending over his little brother who seemed to be choking in the living room floor, with a mask over his face and getting jabbed in the leg with an epi-pen. His mother had been overly pale, and it was one of the few times Ayame could remember her looking concerned. Later, she would inform him in a cold voice that Yuki had nearly died, and to be careful, watch out for any signs showing he had difficulty breathing. Yuki had only been about three years old, at the time. He'd been 13, and more annoyed. As if having the child tag along behind him like a baby chick weren't bad enough. She was the child's mother, but she seemed more interested in what the little boy could gain for her, instead of being their mother.

Sudden drop in weight, into the underweight range. Signs of severe depression. What was going on? He reached out to lift the first page up, noting there was a second page. There was more? Why hadn't Hatori called him, or Shigure? Why had he been excluded? Obviously Shigure knew as he lived with Yuki. Were they just going to hide it, never tell him; what if Yuki had died? He chewed on his lip, feeling anger mounting, growing in him to bubble in his stomach, making him feel both ill and incredibly wounded. This was his little brother, not some minor acquaintance. His literal flesh and blood, not the very distant cousin status he shared with Shigure and Hatori. His baby brother, who wasn't much of a baby any longer. 

* * *

><p>Hatori noticed that his door is slightly open as he walks back to his office, and goes to push the it fully open and greet whoever was in there, but saw that it was Ayame. He doesn't say anything, just watches as Ayame flips through his papers, wondering what had caught Ayame's attention, because he knew that he didn't have anything that would be considered interesting. After a few minutes had gone by, though, Hatori cleared his throat and watched as Ayame jumped away from the desk, dropping the papers back down.<p>

"Oh, Hatori, I didn't hear you come in," Ayame said, and there was something off about the tone of his voice, as he turned around to face Hatori. "How is everything?" Any traces of surprise that had been there previously had disappeared, and left was someone that was obviously upset about something. Putting that together with what Ayame was doing when he walked in, he knew that he had forgotten to put Yuki's file back up. That was what Ayame had been looking at, and now he knew that it had been kept from him.

"What are you doing going through my files? Don't you realize that's against the law?" Hatori could understand exactly why Ayame would be upset, but he was annoyed at the fact that he had gone through his files.

"I'm pretty curious about how everyone is doing at Shigure's. I haven't heard from Shigure in a few days, and I'm fairly certain that you went over there recently, so I thought that you might know how things were," Ayame said, his voice tight.

"There's this thing called doctor-patient confidentiality, and you just cannot go through my files, regardless of whose name you might come across. Those aren't yours to do with as you please," Hatori replied, still not answering Ayame's questions, refusing to let this particular matter drop.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality ends when it's your family, when it's your own flesh and blood. I have the right to know what is going to my brother. You don't have the right to choose not to tell me," Ayame shot back, anger and hurt evident in his words. Hatori cleared his throat, swallowing thickly. While Ayame had every right to his anger, and Hatori wouldn't deny that he would feel the same way were the roles reversed, he himself was more than a bit angry at that moment. Ayame had just done something that, were his practice in an actual city, or hospital, would get him fired. He could lose his medical license. But at the moment, the only thing on Ayame's mind was his little brother.

"Ayame, listen to me! I don't want to lose my job. I don't want to lose the license that allows me to have a job. You cannot come in here and look at my things, not even if I leave my own damn medical file out on my desk. Even if I gave you permission to look at a file, you would need permission from that person, and that is something you did not have, and have no business asking for. The legal system created a law to protect patients. You just violated that. I don't know how else to say this to make you understand, but under no circumstances, whomever the patient may be, are you allowed to look at one of my files unless it is your own file. Do you understand? I don't want to have to forbid you from coming in here unless I let you in myself." Hatori finished, voice sharp. He could see the anger simmering in Ayame's eyes. The man's whole body was taut, pulled tight, ready to leap head-first into the argument, and Hatori honestly could not remember the last time he'd seen Ayame this angry. Ayame simply didn't get angry-he didn't spare such situations a thought, and had a nasty habit of simply not thinking about the consequence of any of his words or actions.

"How...how could you keep this from me? He is my little brother. He nearly died. When the hell were you or Shigure going to tell me? On the way to the funeral," Ayame hissed, voice dangerously quiet with fury. Hatori sighed and rubbed his temple.

"Don't be ridiculous, Ayame. You know we wouldn't have thought of doing such a thing, but right now," Hatori stopped speaking when Ayame slammed an open palm onto the desk. Hatori's pencils and pens fell from the holder. A few rolled onto the floor but Ayame paid them no mind. Hatori rubbed his head again, feeling the pressure of a headache building, feeling completely helpless to stop his lover's wrath. What could he say? He understood very well why Ayame was angry, and didn't even fault him in his anger. It wasn't as though that knowledge would pacify Ayame, anyway. The sound of Ayame's hand hitting his desk seemed to echo in his ears. Meeting Ayame's gaze he could see a hint of tears making his golden eyes seem just a bit more bright than usual.

"Don't you ever think of keeping something like this from me again. I am going to go see my brother now, and don't even think about trying to stop me," Hatori barely had time to get out of the way as Ayame moved past him. Sighing, he listened to his door bang shut and the thump of his feet on the stairs. It was then that he bent down to pick up his pencils and pens, setting them next to Yuki's open folder. Reaching into his pocket, Hatori retrieved his cell phone, calling Shigure to warn him.


End file.
